It’s Scary In There

Oh boy, was it ever! The thought of going inward to uncover a lifetime of issues that brought me to brokenness was almost too scary to handle. My real fear; I would expose a terrible memory that I wasn’t emotionally equipped to handle. When I expressed fear about this, Whitney said, “You’re going to be okay. You’re not alone.”

The week leading up to the deep excursion, Whitney equipped us with spiritual tools. The first tool allowed me to meet my Spirit Guides. If you’re like me, you’re asking, “What is a Spirit Guide?” Simply, they are specially trained souls living on the other side who are assigned to us by God. Their assignment is determined by our soul’s purpose and the lessons we need to learn and their specialty.

After meeting my Spirit Guides I was given the tools for communicating with them. This is where Intuitive Languages come in. We all have intuitive gifts but many of us ignore or suppress them out of fear. At this point, I learned that my intuitive languages are empath,  channeler, clairvoyant, and clairsentient. These are the ways I receive messages from my Spirit Guides. It finally made sense! My “gut” feeling was a message from my Spirit Guides warning me of potential trouble, for example.

The next step was to understand my energetic makeup. Simply put, our energetic makeup is comprised of numerous layers, energy centers (aka chakras), and is the measurement of our energetic vibration. You can imagine at the beginning of my journey, my energy was extremely heavy making my vibration low. It’s important to note that we attract like energy. I walked around feeling as though I had 100 pounds of cinder block on my shoulders and as much strapped to my feet. It was horrible!

Oh boy! The dreaded day arrived. It was time to strap on my spiritual tool belt and take the plunge within. The mission; find the blocks preventing me from being whole, being confident, trusting, and having the life of abundance I dreamed of. It never occurred to me that this wasn’t going to be a “one time and done” situation. It wasn’t until I returned from the first excursion, that I knew there were going to be many more. But, succeeding with the first trip gave me the confidence to continue the mission. Sadly, this process cannot be rushed. Trust me, I tried. the good news is Spirit gives us the information as we become ready for it.

The first excursion uncovered the reasons for my self-loathing. The main reason being, I surrounded myself with many narcissists because they were familiar to me. The revelations kept coming; I didn’t love myself, I didn’t trust my intuition or intellect, and the list went on and on.

The first excursion was scary. But, with each trip inward, I learned something valuable that helped me continue my journey forward. It was a relief and comfort when the realizations began to slow in frequency. This meant I had done a majority of the tough work. That was worth celebrating. But, that didn’t mean that there was nothing more to uncover which, I found out a month ago.

I’d been working on achieving unshakable confidence. During a meditation, Spirit told me that they were taking me on an expedition, aka astral travel. Spirit knowing I was apprehensive, assured me that I would be fine because nothing from my past could hurt me now. Spirit would be with me the entire time. “You must learn this lesson to achieve unshakable confidence,” they said. That put me at ease.

Away we went to a time in my childhood when I was 6, and Chris was 8. Like we had so many times before we ran from the back door of the house into the woods just beyond the paddock in the backyard. An older boy from a few streets over was sitting on a log smoking. Chris sat on the log across from him and struck up a conversation. I was investigating the pretty colored little bottles that lay in the dirt nearby (It was the early 70’s and they were drug bottles). As I bent to grab another, I smelled smoke. I looked up to see a fire had started behind my brother. The boy flicked his cigarette that ignited the leaves. Chris fell backward into the flames catching his lightweight coat on fire. I dropped the bottles and ran to the house screaming, “Mom, Chris is on fire! Mom! Mom, help! Chris is on fire!” My mother flew from the back door to see Chris running towards her. She reached into the house, grabbed a towel and put Chris on the ground so she could extinguish the flames. 

The next thing I remember is standing in the driveway at the front of the house alone behind the red ambulance. Chris was on a stretcher, with blankets covering his body and gauze wrapped around his head, giving him the appearance of a mummy. I could see his huge blue eyes filled with tears. All I could do was stare. My heart broke. I didn’t know what to do or say. The ambulance took him away.

As I mentioned, my parents never explained anything to us. I knew what was going on by listening to their conversations or asking questions periodically. Chris underwent multiple skin grafting surgeries, was dealing with an infection, etc. He ended up with 3rd-degree burns on his back and upper arms and remained in the hospital for several months. We weren’t allowed to visit him in his room. We waved to him from the hospital parking lot.

That tragic accident changed the family dynamics in ways I didn’t realize until the day Spirit took me back. The reason for the return was to inform me that my mother held me responsible for the accident and harbored hatred towards me from that moment. You might think, “OMG, that is horrible! How could she do that?” That was not my thought or my question. I didn’t say a word. I was enjoying the immense peace I felt at that moment. The realization explained so many things. I was conscious of seeking my dad’s approval throughout my life but didn’t realize I also sought out my mother’s. She let me know, in subtle ways, I was never going to get it. This sub-conscience reality left scars and created a tremendous lack of confidence within me. The psyche says, “If your mother doesn’t love you, then you’re not lovable.”

They say the excursion within is the scariest trip you’ll ever make, but they also say it yields life-changing results. They are right! I highly recommend the trip if you’re struggling in your life. But, be sure to be properly equipped. 

All Aboard! The Transformation train is leaving the station. Next stop, “I’m an Introvert Damn It!


About Me

This is the story of my life transformation journey and how I went from poverty, homelessness, and emotionally broken to thriving and living my purpose.

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